Love Begins
by EnglandOCfan
Summary: Ryan and Marissa, what she thought was happily married, another take on how happy or un Ryan and Marissa could of been given the chance, Read to enjoy :
1. Chapter 1

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**Heyyyyy guys! This idea came into my brain and I want to see where I can go with it, I will still be updating The Way I Really Need You, dont worry, its still my baby!**

**Ryan and Marissa are married, with a daughter, she never died, but went to Greece, set in future! **

**Disclaimer: I dont own the OC, wish I did, but I also used to wish I could be in Mary Poppins, dreams dont always happen :P**

**Let me know your thoughts bad or good, or whether I should carry on **

**R/R XOXO**

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Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a teardrop.

Marissa Atwood was startled from her sleep by her daughters cries. She turned over on her side and stretched her arm out, feeling her silk sheets for her husband to go and soothe their crying daughter.

"Ry, you go" However when she felt nothing but coldness and a plainly made bed, it didn't surprise her.

Ryan had stopped being home when she woke up a long time ago, she dragged herself up and walked through to her daughters room in one of Ryan's old wife beaters and a pair of his boxers. She tiredly switched on the light and the minute she saw their eyes met, they both smiled the identical smile the Atwood baby was lucky to inherit.

"Hey Bubba" Marissa said as she lifted her two year old from her crib and moved her onto her hip as she kissed her forehead. The baby girl happily lent her head onto her mothers shoulder as Marissa moved out of her room, grabbing her pink fluffy house coat so she wouldn't be cold.

"Daddy?" The two year old questioned as Marissa carried her. It had become routine, They would wake up just the two of them, eat, just the two of them, they would go out , meet with Summer, go shopping, go to the park, the beach, go to Julies or to see Kirsten and Sophie, Marissa would grudgingly go to yogalates with all of the other Newpsie events that Summer dragged her to, they would come home and Darcey would watch her children's television, whilst Marissa might cry for a while having found something of Ryan's covered in a perfume that was not the Coco Mademoiselle that she wore, she would cook her's and her Daughters dinner and then she would eat alone and bath her daughter, still waiting for him to come home from the office, waiting up for him, as late as midnight and him still not returning, not fully sleeping until he comes home, or if he came home at all it had been known, she would wake up and repeat her day, again alone. She didn't want to believe it, but in what seemed her perfect marriage to Ryan Atwood, she was alone.

She walked down into their kitchen, her small frame wincing from the coldness, she noticed his coffee cup on the side, from where he had been who knows hours ago. Her suspicions had started 5 months ago, he had gone away for a weekend, and when she phoned him to inform him on what would be another thing he would miss out on on Darcey's life, she heard a woman's giggle. Then after it was more noticeable, he would always work late, sometimes he would claim he would 'stay at the office' yet when it would come to washing his clothes, they would smell of second hand smoke, leading Marissa to believe that he hadn't been working the night before.

She had tried to fool herself, that ut was just her mind playing tricks on her, and when she had expressed her feelings to Summer and her Mom, they would play Ryan's behaviour to stress at work, and whenever all of their families were together, Ryan and Marissa looked as happy as they had ever been. But they were not there when the doors were closed, and there was no one to impress, he was cold and a shell of his former self, who really only made an effort for his daughter and for his work he hadn't told her he loved her in months, hadn't kissed her in the same amount of time and she didn't remember the last time they had sex. It was an achievement for his to inherit the Newport Group from Sandy after college, and their arguments really revolve around him not being around, and with him retaliating, 'someone has to earn the money if all the other does is spend it', it also didn't help that he was spending time with his secretary, Lauren, young, gorgeous, still thin because she hasn't had his baby, Lauren. She was just to young and blonde for Marissa to trust.

"Mommy! Want Daddy!!" Darcey moaned as Marissa sat her in her seat and began to put the kettle on.

"Darcey darling, Daddy isn't here" Marissa reasoned with her as she watched her daughters eyes cloud over with tears and she felt herself doing the same thing. She knew Darcey would have tears for about an hour, complaining about wanting Ryan, terrible twos alright.

"Baby, please don't cry" Marissa said shushing her. Darcey shook her head against Marissa shoulder.

"Want Daddy" Darcey wailed to her.

"Baby, I want Daddy too" Marissa said as she let a tear stray down her face.

"Why don't we have some toast and juice, get ready and then go and surprise Daddy at work?" Marissa bargained with her daughter, nodding in getting her own way.

Marissa moved quietly around the kitchen, fixing Darcey her breakfast whilst she happily laughed along with the tv, the toddler tried to speak in full sentences like most children her age, although anyone but her parents do not really understand her secret language. She had piercing blue eyes, and Marissa's features with a short blonde bob that curled under at the ends.

"Darling, come and play upstairs whilst Mommy has a shower" Darcey smiled at her, her former temper tantrum forgotten as she walked slowly in front of Marissa up their staircase. Marissa picked her up and put her in her bedroom, where she walked over to her dresser table and began to brush her hair, her favourite thing to play was hairdressers, and Marissa smiled at the memories of her making Ryan sit on the floor and Darcey trying to clip her bows and clips in his hair.

"Mama play wiv mi" Darcey asked her, Marissa bent down and placed a kiss on her head as she locked the safety gate so Darcey couldn't get out and put the baby speaker in the bathroom with her, she quickly ran a shower and as she stepped in and jumped at the hot water, she was relieved that it was finally able to wash away her tears, after a while, she could hear her name being called and quickly got out to tend to Darcey again. Marissa reached her, a towel wrapped around her diminishing frame and her hair in a turban, to find her daughter had gotten all of the clothes she could reach out of her wardrobe and they were lying all across her floor. Marissa sighed, thinking about more mess she would have to clean up when she got back.

"Baby, Mommy tells you not to go in your closet" Marissa said picking her up against the mess and holding her closely, whilst she bent down to pick her an outfit she could wear.

"Mommy will help you get dressed Darling" Darcey shook her head and crossed her arms over her chest.

"I do it self!" Darcey moaned to her, Marissa nodded and left the room to quickly go and dress herself, although she and Ryan had not been getting on, on today of all days was the day to end it, she really wanted her husband, her Ryan back.

An hour later, Marissa had struggled in getting Darcey in the car, she was at the stage when she had to do everything herself, including getting herself dressed, which was hard for Marissa, being only 26 and having a 2 year old that was that demanding only added to the stresses of her life.

"Darcey, ready to see Daddy" Marissa turned to ask her, Darcey smiled and nodded excitedly, as Marissa got her out and they started the walk to Ryan's office as head of Architecture. Marissa was wearing what suits her best, a denim skirt and Grecian sandals with a long flowy top with her natural, and she had dressed her in all pink, baby Ralph Lauren, like she was every day. It was one of Marissa's favourite pastimes, buying things for her daughter. Marissa walked through the office blocks, and received knowing glances as she walked with the baby on her hip, everyone knowing who she was, and for the males, it was admiring her beauty, still at 26 she was as gorgeous as she ever was.

"Daddy!!!!" Darcey shouted happily in the elevator to Marissa as she balanced both and moved her keys and cell phone into the ever present but slightly bigger chanel. They stopped off at Ryan's floor, and Marissa walked the distance to his office, it had been a while since she had surprised him at work, the last time she did was when she felt Darcey kick for the first time, and she had immediately gotten to the Newport Group, to share the news with him, which back then he had been equally excited. But she had to make things work between them , there were Ryan and Marissa, star crossed lovers, that HAD to be together. She walked to his office and with a confidence vote, opened the door without knocking, seconds after she wished she hadn't.

"Surprise" Her voice dropped from happy to sad as she saw Ryan and his fiance, topless and in a position that didn't look like work. She stood still taking in the scene in front of her, whilst tears stung her eyes and she desperately tried not to let them fall. Ryan immediately moved, as well did 'Lauren' to cover what looked like a double D chest,. Darcey wiggled in Marissa's arms outstretching them to Ryan.

"Daddy!" Darcey exclaimed seeing Ryan walk towards them. His face seemed apologetic, although Marissa knew it was this all along, she just tried to deny it, make it seem like her fault, so she wouldn't lose Ryan.

"Riss I'm sorry, It was-" She shook her head as he stood in front of her. All could be heard was Darcey's excited squeals through the quiet office. Marissa swung her hand to connect fully with his cheek, as she let lose her tears.

"Don't ever come near me again, you son of a bitch!" She said backing away from him, and struggling to hold onto Darcey.

"How could you?" She asked him in disbelief.

"Marissa please--" She shook her head and moved away from him again, much to Darcey's dislike as she started to cry that Ryan wouldn't take her.

"Don't touch me!" She screamed at him as he moved to take their crying child.

" Happy Anniversary Ryan" Ryan stood there and watched his wife run as fast as could towards elevator in tears carrying his daughter, he tried to go after her, and tuck his shirt back in his pants.

"STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM US RYAN!!!!" Ryan gave up as he watched her pick up her pace, he knew he had officially broken them when he saw his daughter look over her shoulder and stick her hands out for him, and as much as he had never wanted to be his father, this time it was inevitable, Ryan Atwood, was a cheater.

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**R/R**

**XOXO**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi everyone! Thanks for the nice reviews, I know I havent update The Way I Really Need You, in a week, buts its only because I wanted to get the ball rolling with this one. **

**This chapter has a flashback, so it gives information on their past and background of their marriage, and I know people are shocked that Ryan is the cheater, its just a story, real Ryan wouldnt do such a thing. **

**R/R xoxo**

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"So that's sorted, I will be the ones to distract the kids, say our car broke down, and they need to come and get us, before we head out?" Julie asked one of her eldest friends. Kirsten nodded at Julie and went back to their list.

"I'm so excited, they both will be so surprised" Kirsten said enthusiastically, whilst Summer looked on with concern.

"Are you both sure this is a good idea? I mean, Marissa has voiced to all of us, that her and Ryan had hit a bit of a rough patch" Summer knew ti was more than a rough patch, she knew what Marissa suspected of him, but denied to herself. Things recently had become extremely tense between them, and she didn't want a surprise anniversary party to be the tip of the iceberg.

"Well Marissa, never said anything was that bad, she wouldn't lie to her mother Summer dear" Julie arched a botoxed eyebrow, as if asking her stepdaughter to correct her. Marissa hadn't really voiced her problems with anyone except herself

"All I'm saying is I hope they are both in the right state of mind, You wouldn't want to tense anything up" Kirsten nodded with her daughter in law and then reasoned with Julie

"Maybe she's right Julie, are you sure this is a good idea?, Maybe we should wait until their next anniversary"

"Guys, this is my daughter were talking about, I know we hadn't always got on in the past, but I know her, and her marriage with Ryan is fine, they have just hit a bumpy spot, Summer, you and Seth argue on a daily basis, but no one is questioning your marriage" Summer nodded unconvinced, and moved quickly as her doorbell rang.

"I will be right back guys" Summer moved through her fairly big house that her and Seth shared. As she past Sophie in the sitting room, she smiled at her 7 year old sister on law.

"Alright Sophie Bee?" Summer asked her moving quickly,

"Yep!" Sophie said excitedly, with a lot of love for her, she admired Summer and Marissa in so many ways, and was so lucky to have the both of them as her 'sisters.

Summer slowly opened their wooden door, not expecting to see her best friend standing there, mascara streaking her face, with her very concerned goddaughter on her hip, also shedding light tears. She immediately opened her arms for her to console her.

"Marissa! What happened?" Sophie immediately came running to the door also, hearing Marissa's name heard, Marissa shook her head as more tears fell, Summer reached over to hold Darcey, afraid that Marissa wasn't able to hold their weight anymore, she looked pale and tired.

"Sophie, here take her to the other room" Sophie nodded and lead the baby's tiny hand into the sitting room where she had been previously, and helped her onto the sofa.

"Coop! What happened" She said as she soothed Marissa's shaking form by stroking her back like she was a child.

"Here come here" Summer ushered her to sit on her step, however Marissa was still in tears and still quiet.

"Marissa, your starting to scare me now sweetie, what happened?" Summer urged her to take deep breaths as her sobs subsided and her small voice came out.

"I…I saw him Sum" Marissa said weakly

"You saw who?" Summer answered her confused

"Ryan" Marissa responded her in a mouse like voice, silent tears still streaming down her perfectly structured face.

"Marissa, what did you see with Ryan?" Summer asked her in all seriousness, not wanting it to be the answer in her head she thought it was.

"He was….I saw him with…..his secretary" She broke into a fresh batch of tears and fell against Summer shoulder once more. Summer was speechless, and hung silent. She knew things had been terrible between them, she had even suspected him of it himself, but she didn't know he would betray her quite like he did.

"Oh Marissa, I am so sorry" Summer told her best friend apologetically. They sat in quiet for a while longer, although all that could be heard was Marissa's tears, Summer figured it would be best if she just let her cry. Like she needed to get everything she had inside out. Neither of them noticed Kirsten walking through the house to find them, soothing Darcey who was whimpering from her hip.

"Marissa is everything ok?" Kirsten asked her worriedly. She looked at Summer who tried to avoid her eye contact, not wanting to tell people if Marissa wasn't. Kirsten sat down with Darcey on her lap, who looked sadly at her mother. Marissa clenched her eyes tightly shut.

"Mommy" Darcey held out her arms, indicating that she wanted to be held, Marissa slowly lifted her head, and moved her daughter onto her lap, holding her closely, it had just struck her that Darcey was all she had, as more tears hit her, Kirsten instinctively began to rub her back.

"Sweetie, what happened? Is it something with Ryan?" Summer looked on awkwardly, Marissa let go of her hand that was tightly holding hers to cuddle her daughter. Marissa nodded and looked down towards the floor.

"Is Rissa alright?" Sophie asked, making her presence known,

"Baby, go and finish watching TV, and take Darcey with you" Kirsten told her daughter

"No!" Marissa spoke, startling everyone.

"Darcey is staying with me" Marissa said deffiniatly, Sophie nodded unconvinced and returned to the family room.

"Come on now honey, I know something's wrong to deserve tears. Have you and Ryan had an argument?" Marissa shifted awkwardly, under both of the gazes.

"I would rather not say Kirsten"

"Ok sweetie, but you and Ryan always work it out," Marissa nodded not bothering to wipe the tears that continued to cascade, Darcey looked on quietly, Summer was amazed at how well she had behaved, she had been quite and let her Mom deal with the things she needed to.

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Marissa had just taken the pregnancy test, she had forced herself to buy. The pink plus sign was staring her in the face, as if it were a competition. Her first thought was that she was going to be sick, however she had dry heaved for like the last hour, so there was nothing more to come up. She was tracing her mind back to thinking who it was. It didn't take long, she had only really been with one person, whilst being single this past year. Well she had woken up with that person more than once in the morning, but they would get up, and pretend nothing had ever happened, carry on their normal life, then there might be a text, asking for drinks and the next thing she knows is that her clothes are on the floor and her last smart thought was long gone.

She was 24, technically single, and now she was pregnant. Great.

She bit her lower lip, as some tears began to fall. She had no idea how to handle a baby, she could barely look after her cat. Her job as a marketing assistant for a small fashion label wouldn't cover its costs. Then there was Ryan, her ex boyfriend of nearly a year. But friend with benefit ever since then. They had broken up, due to the fact she had allegedly been 'flirting' with a guy she had met a work. At the time, everyday was a new argument, however in love they were, nothing helped. There time was becoming more and more limited after starting new jobs, and with Ryan trying to prove himself to Sandy in the Newport Group, it left little time for their love.

They both amicably agreed that if they broke up, it would be for long, however it had been nearly a year and both of them were too scared to make the move. So that's why the sex worked for them, they both got what they wanted, there were still there for each other, caring for each other, just in a different way, without the pressure of their relationship at the specific time. But that didn't comfort her when she was cold at night, and just wanted to be with the person she loved the most.

What felt like hours later, she heard her phone buzz with a missed call. She rung her answer phone and received her message.

"Hey Riss, Its me, I know you said you were busy this week, but I just got some good news, and was wondering if you were at your apartment, ok let me know." She heard Ryan's excited and happy voice ring through her ears, and she felt terrible for what she was about to tell him. The time on the message said she had missed her call 2 and a half hours ago. She decided to ring him anyway, he sounded really happy, and today might be the day he called to take her back, putting any baby or future related queries to the back of her mind. She waiting for Ryan to pick up his phone when her daze was interrupted.

"Hello" Marissa was surprised at the woman's voice on the end of the phone.

"Um, Hi" Marissa said confused as the woman laughed a throaty laugh. The thought of Ryan being with anyone else made her feel sick, she didn't expect him to have been sitting around moping this past year like she had.

"Who is this?" The woman asked impatiently, whilst she heard Ryan fighting for the phone on the other side.

"Marissa" She spoke firmly, worrying horrifically about who this woman was, and why she was with Ryan.

"Riss, is that you I-" Ryan spoke fast and sounded apologetic,

"Yes, Look Ryan I think we should talk" Marissa said not being able to control her words

"Um, okay, I have news actually" Ryan said excitedly, trying to ignore her sombre tone

"Yeah, so do I, I'm pregnant" Marissa mentally hit herself for telling him, she had decided in her mind, abortion would be the best route out, never need to tell anybody, and she could carry on as if nothing happened, that seemed he most logical answer.

"Oh" Ryan said meekly, shocked by her words.

"Do you want to meet, talk about this, and us?" He asked her, wanting to know some answers.

"If you want, you know where I live" and with that she hung up the phone, confused and in an even bigger mess than before her 1 minute and 9 second phone call.

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"Summer, I…I have to go do something real quick, could you look after the baby?" Marissa asked snapping herself out of her gaze. She had been at Summer's more or less the whole day. Julie and Kirsten had left shortly after, both concerned over Marissa, although she stressed it was nothing. Marissa had handed Darcey over to Summer, and had retreated to one of Summer's guest bedrooms, and had been there ever since. Summer looked up from where she was feeding her neice, who was sitting on her lap. Summer had never been overly maternal, so when it came to looking after Darcey she kind of panicked not knowing what she was meant to do and not do.

"Mommy!" Darcey moved from Summer's lap and onto the floor where she ran over to Marissa's legs, Marissa weakly picked up her daughter and kissed her forehead before handing her back to Summer, much to Darcey's disappointment.

"Do you want me to set up your rooms for tonight Coop" Summer asked her wistfully, she had spoken fully to Marissa, all about how Ryan had been acting distant, to her suspicions, to him actually cheating, and she felt heartache for her.

"Yeah that would be good thanks" Marissa said appreciatively, from the red circles under her eyes, it was obvious that she had been crying and not long stopped.

"Darcey be a good girl for Auntie Summer" She kissed her daughter's blonde hair and nodded to Summer, who stood up to soothe her niece who began to cry again, and with that Marissa was walking fast out of the door to her car.

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She pulled up on her drive, and parked her car, tears stung her eyes, and the lights being on and Ryan's car being in front of their house, their home. She slammed the door of her car and walked up to the door, and let herself in. She heard nothing and slammed the door loudly, she stood quietly before moving, Ryan was obviously not home, that made everything that she had to do a lot easier. She raced upstairs to her room passing all the pictures of their life together on the stairs. When she got toe their room, it was exactly how she left it this morning, however it felt a lot colder. She walked to her closet and pulled out her Louis vuitton suitcases and started to throw all of her clothes inside it, ignoring any of his clothes, in fear that she would have an emotional breakdown. When she had packed at least one case, she moved to start on her daughters things, Darcey would need more or less everything she had in her room. At least if Marissa forgot anything she could borrow Summers. She moved frantically around her daughter's room, focusing on the task in hand, that was what her Mom had told her. Marissa never thought her life would turn out like that, taking divorce advice from Julie Cooper Nichol Roberts. As she packed all of Darcey's toys and pretty pink outfits in another case, she didn't even notice his presence in the house.

"Marissa"

"Stay the hell away from me, I can't even bare to be near right now Ryan!" She said warningly with her back toward him.

"Don't you think we should talk" Ryan asked her hopelessly

"What is there to talk about?" She asked him with her back still facing him

"Your seriously going to pack up your lives, don't I get a say in this? I think we should talk, work it out!"

"Ryan, why is it you haven't wanted to talk for the last couple of months our marriage had been going down the drain?" Marissa asked him, with tears in her eyes. Ryan looked pained, he moved forward to try and be nearer to her, but she backed away.

"Marissa, I'm sorry, I--"

"Please, I don't want your excuses Ryan," She moved to get out of the door, but he blocked her path.

"Marissa please" Ryan pleased with her but she shook her head, trying to be strong in her decisions.

"How could you do this to me?" Marissa whispered as tears flew down her face, he reached up to brush them away but she shoved him away in anger.

"Its over Ryan, my lawyers will be in touch" She croaked as tears consumed her voice, she struggled to carry all of her luggage down the stairs.

"Marissa, please don't do this, she wasn't worth it, you know you are the most important thing in my life"

"What a mistake you have made Ryan Atwood, you threw away your marriage for someone who wasn't worth it!!." Marissa said as she looked at her husband, who

"I hope your happy together" Marissa said shaking her head at him,

"Marissa, I love you" Ryan said, at one last plea with her to stay

"Ryan, its not enough anymore, I will come back when your at work to collect the rest of our things." With that, she walked out to her car and threw her suitcases in the back, knowing her life wouldn't ever be the same without him in it.

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**Hope you liked?**

**Let me know xoxo**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey, thanks for the reviews on this story so far, hope you like the next chapter. **

**Warning, Marissa does swear at Ryan in this, but only briefly, because i belive, you couldnt go through what shes going through without the odd word being dropped here and there. But if that offends you I apologise.**

**R/R**

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Ryan stood behind the door shocked, shocked that he had just ended his marriage, and shocked that Marissa had had the courage to do it. Ryan heard the car swerve off the drive, and it was then he realised the intensity of what he had done. He had abused Marissa's trust, he had ruined their marriage, ruined their lives, and he had pushed his wife and his daughter away.

It wasn't that he didn't love Marissa, he did, so much. He had just proved himself right, he had said from the beginning, they could be together, they would be happy for a few weeks or months, they would have one argument, usually about someone else, things would be wary and tense, and then they would progress from there, sometimes it broke them up, if only for a short while, but then they would rekindle their love within hours. Nothing between Ryan and Marissa was ever simple, or ever easy. But when she got pregnant, and Ryan decided to stick by her and do the honest thing, a while into the marriage, he realised being that he was pushed into the lifestyle that he wasn't ready for yet. He loved Marissa, he really did, he needed her like air, and the love he felt for Darcey scared him, but yet, he still felt suffocated and alone, and never like he could turn to his marriage.

Ryan exhaled, and rubbed a tired hand over his face, Lauren had been calling him non stop, which he had given her strict instructions not to do after 8pm. As much as he hated to admit it, he had become good at cheating, he thought that Marissa never knew anything about it, he would go away on business, and take Lauren with him, he would be with her at the office, and come home to Marissa. She had even been over to the house, when Marissa was away on a spa weekend and when Darcey was sleeping. If it was anyone else doing these things, Ryan would shake his head and wonder how anyone could ever do that to someone that they loved, and he felt like asking himself the same question, how could he do that to Marissa? He had tried to end it, but when he would get home, she would be in bed already and his house was quiet, it was then, he would go back out and go to Lauren's. He was in past the point of no return, and now, Marissa was gone.

Ryan walked the stairs, to where his wife was a few minutes ago, she no longer wanted to be his wife. She no longer wanted to be Marissa Atwood, and she would do her best to keep Darcey away from him. His precious baby girl, his daughter that with one smile or 'Daddy' would change his day automatically. When he got to the top of the stairs and saw Darcey's room strewn with clothes, he felt his chest tighten, his daughter would never want to play with her Mom and Dad in the same room, he had ruined their family.

He walked in to switch the light off, which was casting a pink shadow over the room, when he noticed Eric, Darcey's battered Rabbit teddy, lying carelessly on the ground. Darcey hated going anywhere without Eric, and she would never ever sleep without him, he was her security blanket, and when a child's parents are going what could be a break up, she would need all the comfort she could get. Ryan picked up Eric, and checked his pocket for his keys. He knew there was only 3 places that his daughter could be, and he had his money on Seth and Summer for the first.

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Marissa watched as the waves repeatedly fell against the rocks, making large splashes and bigger sounds. She wished that she could be in the sea, to feel her body stinging with the coldness of the night sea, to go under the water and to feel the water rush through her ears. To wash away all of her questions and regrets. She always ran to the beach, whenever things got slightly scary for her. She met here with Ryan, on more than one occasion, the beach hut was their solace, the first time she felt herself getting fat from being pregnant with Darcey, she came to the beach hut, and then cried at all of the stick thin skinny people parading around in bikinis, while she was the size of a house. A few months ago, when she first suspected Ryan of having an affair, she had came back here, and now, after ending their marriage, this was where she ended up. More tears streamed down her face at the 'ending the marriage' and 'divorce', she lifted up the bottle of vodka, that hadn't been far away from her hand all night, and took a long drawn out swig as the alcohol stung her throat on the way down. The first sip was the worst one, Ryan begged her to stop drinking, back when they were younger, or begged her to stop drinking when she was upset and he wasn't there to take care of her. But seeing as he broke their wedding vows, she didn't see why she had to stick to their promises.

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Ryan knocked repeatedly at the door, Marissa had hung up the phone to him 37 minutes ago, and that was how long it had taken him to throw whatever girl he had in his bed out, get dressed and drive over Newport to get to her apartment. She saw him at the door, and folded her arms over her chest self-consciously as Ryan stood there without saying a thing.

"So you said on the phone?" Ryan started willing her to go on

"I have no idea what your talking about?" The 24 year old Marissa told him, Marissa could sense him tiring of this game,

"Well, are you?" Ryan shifted uncomfortably, Marissa nodded, casting her gaze downwards, and collapsed into his arms crying,

"I'm so so sorry Ry" She hiccupped with tears, Ryan stared foreword and stroked her back,

"You've got me Marissa, I promise I'm not going anywhere" Ryan said, as the stood at the threshold holding each other.

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Ryan got out of his car, parked on Summer's drive and walked over to the door, hoping he had gotten it right, and that Marissa and Darcey were both inside. He knocked on the door nervously, and was relieved when he saw Seth open it, he smiled a helpless smile and his brother shook his head. Ryan guessed that Seth already knew Marissa's side, but they were brothers, how angry can he be? Seth opened the door and went back into the lounge to wear Darcey was crying. Ryan felt relieved when he saw his daughter, he handed her Eric and swooped her up in his arms, holding her close and hugging the air out of her.

"What happened man?" Seth asked him awkwardly, Ryan stood holding his daughter, who had stopped crying and was now sucking her thumb, as Ryan comforted her like he had before.

"Where's Marissa?" Ryan asked him, Seth shrugged his shoulders and Ryan concentrated on his daughter, he breathing starting to become slower and more relaxed.

"She's was gone before I got here, Summer went to pick her up as soon as I got in, I have only briefly been informed." Seth said, not wanting to look Ryan in the face.

"Oh right, well I can take Darcey back home with me" Ryan said trying to help.

"Yeah right, that's not going to happen, Summer told me if anything happens to her, no sex for a month" Seth told him, Ryan tried to smile but it was not reciprocated.

"Dude, you said you would end with her when I found you , how could you let Marissa find out?, I lied to Summer to cover for you, only because you said you were going to end it," Seth asked disappointed in him, Ryan shrugged his shoulder, and stroked Darcey's back as she slept in his arms.

"I don't know, I was going to end it, I really was, but I just didn't, and then Marissa started to become more and more distant, and then we both stopped trying I guess." Ryan said ashamed of himself.

"So it's a joint effort, Marissa ruined your marriage as well?" Seth asked him

"You know what Seth, you don't really know what goes on in my life, so as much as I appreciate you trying to help, your not, so stay out of it." Ryan told him, as he turned away fro his brother and began to walk towards the door.

"Ryan, that really isn't a good idea, Marissa is going to want to see her when she gets back" Seth said trying to stop him, but Ryan walked purposefully towards his brothers front door.

"She's my daughter too Seth, and she obviously wasn't happy until I got here" Ryan said stubbornly. He turned around to face his brother, Seth shook his head at him, and Ryan felt slightly guilty.

"Well maybe she wasn't happy because she could sense that her parents are breaking up?"

"She's two, she doesn't even know her left and right yet" Ryan told him sarcastically,

"All I'm saying is, it would be in your interest to leave her with her Mom, you have the worry of a new girlfriend now, I'm sure you wouldn't want your daughter to weigh it down" Seth told him smarmily

"What crawled up your ass Seth, why do you care what I do?"

"I don't, I care about Marissa though, and My wife, who was worried sick about her best friend, I worry for Marissa because, you may recall what happened last time she got cheated on, she nearly died Ryan! And your not there to save her this time" Ryan looked down, realising what he had done, he had put his family in all kinds of danger.

"I didn't mean for any of this to happen Seth, I really didn't do it on purpose" Ryan opened the door, with a sleeping Darcey in his hands, and was blinded by the bright lights coming from Summer's car, pulling up onto the drive. He swallowed thickly about seeing Marissa, and she quickly jumped out of the car and staggered towards him, Summer in hot pursuit.

"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING RYAN??" Marissa screeched at him, She tried to regain her step as she took more towards him, staggering quite obviously.

"What am I doing? Marissa your drunk" Ryan hissed, trying not to wake their daughter, she shook her head dramatically, whilst Seth and Summer watched helplessly from their sides.

"Give her to me now" Marissa said, trying to gracefully take Darcey from Ryan's arms, Ryan tried to hold her as tight as he could, but Marissa began pushing him out of the way, so she could hold Darcey, all you could hear was Marissa's grunts of annoyance until Darcey's loud pitched cry broke the thick air.

"GREAT!!!! Now look what you have done" Marissa slurred, trying to rock and sush her daughter.

"Marissa, look at you, you're a mess your drunk for Christ sake!, just hand her over, at least I can make her stop crying" Ryan said, immediately regretting saying it the very second the words left his mouth. Marissa looked at him with her mouth agape.

"Daddy" Darcey whimpered holding out her arms, Marissa turned her the other way and spoke to him over her shoulder

"Where the hell do you get off calling me drunk Ryan? And a bad mother? Well just because you cheated just like your dad doesn't mean I'm turning into your Mom." Marissa said spitefully.

"When did I call you a bad mother huh? I didn't Marissa!" Ryan said defending himself.

"No you were too busy fucking your secretary!!!!!!!!!" Marissa immediately covered Darcey's ears, not wanting her to hear any of it, she felt more tears float down her cheeks, and passed her daughter of to Summer, who was still crying with all her might, who bought her inside, when it was just Ryan and Marissa alone she couldn't even bare to look at him.

"Don't bring Lauren into this Marissa, our marriage broke because of us, she had nothing to do with it" Ryan said, trying to catch her attention.

"Oh so now your protecting that whore? Get out of my sight Ryan, just being around you makes me feel sick" Marissa said to him venomously

"Marissa, you are being too--"

"And if you even think of coming near my daughter again, without my say so, I will take her away so far, you wouldn't know what hit you" Marissa said walking away from him, she was always a spiteful and angry drunk, but her words have never hurt Ryan more.

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**xoxo**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey everyone! Thank you for the reviews! They really make me smile, and I'm flattered that so many people read my work. **

**This Chapter holds a little shock for everyone, I was suprised when I read it lol :P, I tried to do as much research on the matter as possible, not knowing anything about the subject, and I apologise if i do offend. (I dont think i do though :)**

**On a happier not : **

**I would like to dedicate this chapter to Michelle1249 for reviewing my every chapter with such encouraging words :) Thank you so much!**

* * *

_Marissa woke happily, she took a deep breath as she felt Ryan's strong and slightly tanned arms hold her tightly. They had gotten back from a break in Hawaii a week ago, his anniversary gift to her, and the light tanned colour he had was quickly leaving his toned body,. Marissa however, had done her best to keep hers there. It was only a partial tan, one of a weeks long holiday, that her and Ryan spent most of it in their suite, making up for lost time now they had a child. She rolled over to face him, and felt Ryan's grip tighten around her even more and she smiled at him. He had a smirk on his face, indicating that he was indeed awake but his eyes clenched shut. Marissa smiled and leaned into kiss him, and felt him smiling against her lips. They laid like that for a while, in a world away from anyone else, their lips never leaving the others. _

_"Merry Christmas Riss" Ryan told her happily when they broke apart. _

_"Merry Christmas baby" Marissa bit the side of her lip, as she studied Ryan's face, to her Ryan's looks had only gotten better with age, well 25. Soon enough, they couldn't keep there hands off of each other, and Marissa was laying on top of Ryan, in complete happiness. As she broke another one of their heated kisses she stared down at him,_

_"See something you like" Ryan asked her teasingly, she set down and laid her ear on his chest, and he twirled a piece of her blonde hair around his finger._

_"When should we get the baby up?" Marissa asked him after a while, not wanting to be away from Darcey too much that morning._

_"Don't you like it just the two of us?" Ryan asked, feigning hurt_

_"Of course, I do, but a mother needs to be with her child on such staple days, and Christmas is one of them. Besides I want to spend some time, just the three of us this morning, uninterrupted and relaxed, you never know what's round the corner, and these are special memories to be made. Who knows where we will be with next Christmas?" Marissa told him wistfully. _

_"Marissa, you know full well we will both be right here, waking up from Christmas Eve sex, and getting up to go and open presents with our beautiful daughter, and you know, there might be more than one beautiful daughter" Ryan said hopefully, when Marissa turned to him with an arched eyebrow. _

_"You want more kids?" Marissa asked him in shock, Ryan shrugged his shoulders and avoided his gaze. _

_"You don't?" Ryan asked her confused. _

_"Well, no, or at least I don't think so, I want to be able to spend as much time focusing on Darcey as I can, But then I suppose, I would like kids where there age gaps aren't to big" Marissa said thinking. Ryan looked hopefully at her and she carried on._

_"But I'm not sure if I want another one yet, she is quite hard to handle on my own anyway. And they do call it the tantrum twos, I'm not sure I could handle that pregnant, and its not like you would be here to help me, I mean your always at the office working" Marissa said without thinking, Immediately regretting her words, she felt Ryan tense beneath her and she moved off of him to grab her house robe._

_"What's that supposed to mean Marissa? I'm always at the office?" Ryan asked hurt_

_"Can we not have this argument again please, especially not it today Ryan, its Christmas, and I want to be with my daughter" Ryan took note of her walking out of their bedroom, and the use of the word 'my' daughter. She was always stubborn and protective when it came to Darcey, and it was always in the back of his mind, if Marissa never fell pregnant, where he would be. _

_

* * *

_

"Coop" Summer asked as she knocked on Marissa's door. When they had come home, on that first night, Marissa had run straight up the stairs crying, and locked herself in the spare bedroom, no-one daren't go in there. Summer left food and water outside of her room, glad that she knew Marissa was eating something, and drinking something that wouldn't ruin her liver.

Ryan had tried to come round the house and called persistently, but Seth had stopped him, he had kept on offering to take Darcey, wanting to help the couple out, but they had managed enough to cope, it would be easier though if Darcey didn't keep on asking for her Mother, after 2 days of not seeing her, despite being in the same house. Summer understood that Marissa needed time to mourn, irregardless whether someone had died, she understood how Marissa would take this, but she hadn't realised that she would shun everyone away. Summer felt useless once again and extremely tired as she knocked on her best friends door, urging her to come out of the dark room.

"Marissa, I was just wondering whether you wanted to see Darcey today, she's been asking for you" Summer put her ear to the door, and awaited any response. She heard a rustling, and felt slightly happier to hear some movement within the room.

"I was thinking about heading up to LA today, get some things in" Summer said trying to tempt her, although holding of on the word 'Chrismukkah', knowing Marissa would be in no Christmassy mood. Marissa opened the door, she was wearing an old pair of pyjamas, her skin was red and blotchy and she had dark bags under her eyes,

"Where's my baby?" Her voice raw with scratchiness.

"She's just downstairs, Seth's giving her her breakfast, she's been asking after you a lot" Marissa nodded and looked to the floor, Summer enveloped her in a hug and Marissa whispered to her

"Thanks" She said, her voice full of emotion

"Oh Coop, don't worry about it, you know I'm here for you, with anything" Summer said holding her weight.

"Has he tried to ring" Marissa asked her, Summer nodded and then looked to the floor.

"What has he said" Marissa asked her woefully,

"He tried to speak to you, but I didn't want to disturb you, and you told me not to-"

"Sum, its fine, I was just wondering" Summer nodded in understanding and Marissa made her way down the stairs.

"How do you feel Coop?" Summer asked her cautiously,

"I feel like someone has just ripped everything in my life I love out of it. I feel like he stabbed at my heart, its hard to explain," Marissa said sadly. Marissa walked into the kitchen, and Seth looked surprised to see her, he smiled and she nodded at him, but moved forward to hold her daughter.

"Mommy!!!!!!!!" Darcey squealed as her mother picked her up and smothered her in kisses, holding her as close as she could, Darcey reciprocated her hugged, and squeezed her tightly, not liking that she was separated from her Mom for that amount of time. Marissa had told Summer not to bring Darcey upstairs while she was in her room, because she didn't want her to see her that upset.

"You play with me and ewic?" Darcey asked her hopefully holding up the battered old rabbit, Marissa nodded and carried on to holding her.

"Do you want a bagel or anything Marissa?" Seth offered, she shook her head and stared at the marble countertop. It hurt for her to see and Summer eating breakfast together doing all of the things she wished she and Ryan could still be doing, not that she grudged them being happy, because she didn't and she didn't want to force the pain she was going through on anyone else, but she just missed the way Ryan would make her bacon sandwiches, or bring her a tea when she was still in bed.

"Coop, you've got to eat" Summer said mothering her,

"No, I don't, I'm fine" Summer nodded unconvinced, and Marissa concentrated all energy on her daughter despite the rumbling of her stomach, and Summer looked at Seth with a worried expression on her face.

"So, Summer, where were you thinking on going today?" Seth said, avoiding the elephant in the room.

"Um, I thought maybe the Grove, and Robertson's, I need to get in some things for Chrismukkah" Summer said trying to be enthusiastic.

"Well don't burn up the card too much, Have a nice day." Seth leant into kiss Summer, and Summer noted that Marissa turned away with glassy eyes.

"Bye" She said as she pecked his lips once more.

"See you later, Marissa, Darcey" Seth said walking out of his kitchen. When the girls were just left, Darcey lay content against Marissa's chest, sucking her thumb in her mothers embrace.

"Do you want to talk?" Summer offered her and Marissa shook her head.

"I think that I need to get a lawyer of whatever you get when you get divorced, I don't even know what's meant to happen" Marissa said as a few tears escaped her eyes.

"Do you want me to ask Sandy for you--" Summer offered, but Marissa's eyes widened in horror.

"No Summer, you cannot, I don't want the Cohen's involved" Marissa said in a serious tone

"Okay, why?" Summer asked confused

"Because, I don't want to pour my heart out to my husbands Dad, I don't want him to know what went wrong with me and Ryan, I don't want to admit to the people that I consider my family that I couldn't keep my husband satisfied! Its embarrassing Sum, they will all know that I finally lost him. Anyways, they always thought that Ryan was too good for me. I mean its never a good start to things when your son, who you just gave a multi million dollar company to, comes home and says, 'I'm marrying Marissa because I knocked her up' I could tell they were always against us from the start" Marissa said angrily

"Marissa, you know that's not true, the Cohen's love the both of us, were like daughters to them" Summer said to her, Marissa shook her head cynically.

"Summer, would you still love my Mom, if she pushed your Dad into marriage, because she was pregnant with his child and then divorced him 2 years later.? I don't think so" Summer gave up, realising she wasn't going to win this battle. Marissa was being stubborn, but she expected and could handle it, she realised that Old Coop, was a long way from coming back to them.

"I need to head out to Ralph's, just to get some more food in, do you want to come with me?" Summer asked her, making light work of the dirty dishes. Marissa looked solemn as she continued to hold Darcey, Summer wondered, how long it would take, how long she would act like that.

"Well, if you don't need me, then I will just head out now, Is there anything you need?" Summer asked her, and getting a head shake from Marissa. She nodded then as she walked out of the kitchen she stopped to kiss Darcey on the head, growing extremely attached to having a baby in the house after such a short space of time.

"Look after Mommy, Darcey," Summer said, to her niece

"I'm a grown woman Summer, I don't need my 2 year old to look after me" Marissa bit as she walked out of the house, Summer ignored it and carried on. Wishing for Old Coop to speed up her return home.

* * *

"And then there were two Darcey b" Marissa said to her daughter who was struggling to get off of her lap.

"I no want dat Bwwekfast Mommy" Darcey asked her, pointing at some toast,

"You want cereal?" Marissa asked, understanding what she was saying completely, all mothers could communicate like that, they could always understand what their children were saying. Darcey nodded and Marissa sat her in a her special seat, that she noticed Summer must of bought for her.

"Mommy eat tooosht" Darcey said, pushing the plate Seth had put out in front of her towards her Mom. Marissa looked at the bread soaked in butter, as if it was teasing her. She was so hungry, so unbelievably hungry. Summer had been bringing her up food, and that's exactly what she had been doing behind closed doors.

It had started back when she was first doubting Ryan of cheating on her about 3 months ago. She would eat more than anyone should regularly eat, purge on all sorts of calories and then a while later, go to the bathroom, and run the taps, at the sound of the water whoosing she would lean over the toilet and stick her middle finger down her throat.

She would wretch and throw up whatever she had in her stomach, turn off the water and go back downstairs, and pretend everything was normal that was when it was only a few times a week. At first it was a one off, she hadn't meant for it to happen, but it did. She got a rush after the first time, for once she was back in control, she could dictate what was happening to her life. Then it started to become more regular, and she would feel exhausted and weak as an after effect, but it was doing great things for her figure, which she claimed was made at the gym, although Marissa had never stepped foot in one in her life. No one knew, she thought that Ryan wouldn't even be able to tell, he had been away from home so much, she could of shaved her head and he wouldn't of noticed.

Every time Summer bought her up food, she would eat it as fast as she could, eat everything on the plate, she would wait a while, go into the bathroom, turn on the taps, and empty it back up again. She knew what she was doing was stupid, but she couldn't help it. There was a need within her that made her do it.

"Mommy, mommy" Darcey said, snapping Marissa out of her gaze. Marissa looked over at her daughter with droopy eyes.

"Yes bubba" Marissa asked her, trying to conceal a yawn. Darcey looked up with her bright blue eyes, and opened her arms, wanting to be carried. Her big blue Atwood eyes, that would haunt Marissa whenever Ryan wasn't around.

"Shall we go for a walk? Go find some animals?" Marissa asked her, knowing that Darcey wouldn't turn down anything if it included an animal, she was obsessed with anything on four legs with fur. Darcey nodded emphatically, and Marissa took her upstairs to quickly change her into something else, and for her to put on some sweats. Which were an easy way to hide her diminishing figure.

Half an hour later they were walking along the pier, Darcey at Marissa's side holding onto her hand tightly in a pink terrycloth juicy with a pink headband, and Marissa in sweats and Ryan's old Berkeley jumper, which she took from his wardrobe when she packed her things. Everything about the jumper reminded her of him, its smell, screamed Ryan. The fact that he had worn it, and she remembered one night she spent at his dorm in college, and she felt so cold that he had given it to her to wear, even though the heating was broken, and held her so tight she thought he would never let go.

"Mommy, I av dwink?" Darcey asked her curiously, as Marissa held her in her arms. It was the first time she had left the house, since going back to Summer' from the beach that night. It was too bright outside, after being concealed in a dark room for 2 days. There was too many people with happy cheery smiles on their faces walking along with their boyfriends. Marissa moved her daughter to her other jutting out hip and pushed her sunglasses on top of her head as she stopped at the sight in front of her.

"Mommy! Look Doggy!!!!!!" Darcey said excitedly pointing to the chocolate coloured poodle on a lead in front of them. Marissa's eyes unknowingly began to water, at the dog owners sight. Lauren, in all of her fake boobed and faked tanned glory, with her tongue down her husbands throat. Ryan broke their kiss, at a voice that sounded much like his daughters. He shut his eyes, anticipating the worst, and when he opened them, he saw Marissa shaking his head at him, with more of a hurt look in her eyes than anger. He noticed how gaunt she looked in his jumper, and how ghostly her skin was, and he wondered whether she had looked like that when they were together, or whether it was more recently.

"Marissa" Ryan said sadly, at getting caught again.

"Daddy!" Darcey said smiling at Ryan, Ryan gave her a half hearted smile back, and Lauren stood smirking at Marissa, her hand entwined with Ryan's. Marissa took a deep breath and shook her head at him. Ryan stepped closer to her and she stood still.

"I mean it this time Ryan, please just leave me alone" Marissa said quietly, as she took her daughter and started her walk towards Summer's house. Wanting nothing more, than to run to the toilet, and throw up whatever she had in her stomach.

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**Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year all :)**

**R/R**

**xoxo**


	5. Chapter 5

**Hi! I know I should be updating The Way I really Need You. But I had all of a sudden written loads for this and felt like I should post :)**

**I hope everyone has a great christmas and a happy new year.**

**Maybe I will post at the weekend or something **

**R/R**

* * *

"Don't even think about following her Ryan" Lauren snapped from behind him, she was tapping her foot impatiently. Ryan turned to look at her, she was nothing like Marissa at all, and now the excitement wasn't there, he didn't even know why he chose her in the first place.

"She's my wife Lauren" Ryan said solemnly, as Lauren walked up to his side, and looked in his eyes.

"She's not your wife anymore though, you broke up, so we could be together" She looked at him with hope in her eyes, he may of told her that she meant that much to him, so he broke it off with his wife and left his daughter, it may not of been the whole truth, but it kept her sweet for a while.

"I know but, you have to understand, that I have always loved Marissa and" Ryan said guiltily

"Until you met me of course," Lauren said hopefully yet in a voice that told Ryan not to correct her.

"You have to understand, Lo, Marissa and I, we have a history, a long history, we have a daughter, and I didn't mean to hurt her" Lauren's eyes began to glass over and Ryan felt even worse than before, upsetting yet another woman in his life.

"Then why did you sleep with me, 3 months Ryan, 3 months, you told me you would get rid of her so we could be together, you told me you wanted our relationship!" Lauren fumed at him. Ryan looked towards the ground, hearing his lies he told her come out in the wash.

"Do you love her" Lauren asked him incredulously

"Between Marissa and I, its not about love anymore, I have to think of my daughter in all of this, and you cant be married to someone who you don't love, I had loved Marissa since we were sixteen" Ryan told her, she looked at him with a shocked look on her face, ignoring all of the people passing past their argument.

"So you loved your wife, when we had sex, more than once in your bed while she was out shopping in LA, you still loved your wife when you took me to Paris, whilst she thought you were on a business trip, you loved your wife when we did it in the office, you still loved your wife, you loved your wife when you gave me a $15000 necklace? That was love was it? how about the time, when you daughter swallowed a penny in your office when she was at a Spa for the weekend, and you didn't notice because you were to busy screwing me on the kitchen floor? Ryan , you chose me a long time, and now your starting to feel bad about it" Ryan thought about everything that Lauren said, she was right, he had done some horrible things to Marissa, and now she knows it seemed worse to him, even though he had no problem doing it to her before.

"What you feel now Ryan, is guilt, but that's understandable, we both now all you need is time, I mean it would seem pointless to break up our relationship because you are finished with her, if you had no problem doing it when you were together" Ryan nodded at her words, even though he disagreed with them.

"Look, I got the papers drawn up, all you have to do is give them to her" Lauren told him, in a voice that sounded quite victorious. They moved to sit on a bench, and Ryan began to brood.

"Ryan, why ask me to get you the papers if you don't want to get divorced?" Lauren asked him impatiently.

"I'm not sure what I want right now, a divorce is a big thing" Ryan snapped at her.

"Yeah and so's a baby" Lauren countered, Ryan turned to her with a confused look etched on his face.

"That's why I'm worried, I don't know what would happen to Darcey, I know that Marissa would--" Ryan carried on saying, not sure why he was talking to the woman who wrecked his marriage about it anyway.

"You really didn't catch on did you?" Lauren scolded

"What?"

"I'm pregnant Ryan" Ryan looked at her in shock, and lost for words. Lauren gave him a dirty look, and then left him on the bench, walking back to the car at his reaction. Ryan stayed, looking out to the sea and saw the waves rolling in. He didn't know how long he stayed there, brooding, divorce papers in his hand, with only one thought on his mind.

__

Oh shit.

* * *

"Darcey just wait here a second" Marissa said to her daughter as she placed her on the sofa, Darcey nodded and laid her head against the pillows on the comfy chaise and watched the tv, Marissa had turned on for her.

"Mommy needs the toilet real quick" Darcey nodded to her, not fully understanding her words. Marissa ran through the house and straight into the spare bedroom bathroom, as soon as she got to the door, she lay over toe toilet and pushed her finger in as far as it would go, heaving and heaving until there was nothing in her stomach. Tears mixed in with a cold sweat, and all she could think about was Ryan being happy without her, being with Lauren and having a life with her. Her anger took over and she forced herself to be sick again, she wanted to be back in control, she needed to be thin again, she needed to be as pretty as Lauren was.

She stood up from the toilet as she flushed it feeling the light-headed feeling she usually got when she was sick. After battling to keep her eyes open, she moved in front of the mirror that was positioned in the middle of the big room she was staying it. She listened out for any signs of noise or movement, luckily the only thing she could hear was the gentle humming from the TV that Darcey was sat in front of. She carefully took off Ryan's baggy Berkley jumper and threw it to the side, and slid her sweats off until she was left in her old underwear. When Ryan first married her, she made a huge effort to always wear nice matching lingerie sets, and he usually appreciated it, but when he stopped noticing, she stopped trying and then the throwing up started. It was like one cruel vicious circle.

She put a delicate hand on her jutting out hip, which she hadn't realised was as noticeable before. She started to worry if other people had notice how she was looking, she felt disgusted at how big she looked in the mirror. To her she wasn't thin enough, wasn't pretty enough, and the thought made her want to be sick again, and sick as many times it took until she was perfect. She was about to rush to the bathroom again, when she heard the front door crack open, and Summer call up the stairs. She hastily put her sweats back on.

"Coop are you up here?" Summer said as she made her way up the stairs, carrying Darcey, Marissa quickly moved out of the room and stopped when she saw Summer, she took Darcey from her and began to rock her lightly and then lifted her eyebrows to her best friend.

"Why was Darcey downstairs alone?"

"We went to the pier" Summer looked at her hopefully, at the fact she had been outside, however she noticed that Marissa had been crying. Marissa saw Summer's expression falter.

"I saw him, with her" That was all Marissa needed to say, Summer pulled her into a hug, and wondered to herself if Marissa always felt that thin when she hugged her. It was something odd to think about but she had noticed her getting thinner lately.

"I just really need a drink" Marissa said in tired tone. Summer looked at her worried,

"Coop, do you really think you should be doing that, at 11:30 in the morning no less" Summer suggested to her.

"Summer, your not my mother, my husband has left me for another woman, I think I'm entitled a drink when I want one." Marissa snapped and Summer stood speechless, not knowing how to help her next.

"Here, Darcey needs changing" Marissa said, handing her daughter over, and walking downstairs to the kitchen. Summer looked on worriedly, thinking about what to say to her. But by the time she got downstairs, Marissa had already opened the vodka and taken her first swig.

"Cheers" She said to Summer, who looked on not knowing what to do. Summer let a tear fall down her cheek and she walked into the other room to change Darcey's diaper. Marissa stood, taking deep breaths, feeling a bit light-headed, but passing it off to the alcohol, she stood over the sink, and looked at her reflection in the window. She felt repulsed by what she saw and wanted to throw up again.

"Coop, could you get that" Summer asked her from the other room, Summer could sense what mood she was in, and it reminded her of senior year, when Marissa was dating Volchuck, she bit back harshly, she was distant and wanted to do nothing than destroy herself, and in the process their friendship.

Marissa grudgingly walked towards, the door, still trying to breath deeply as she neared the glass window. With nothing in her stomach and vodka, making its way, she was feeling the effects. Without thinking she opened the door and her eyes strained and she blinked quickly.

"I thought I told you to stay away" Marissa said spitefully, eyeing Ryan up and down

"Please, Marissa, we need to talk" Ryan said helplessly, putting his hand on the door, so Marissa wouldn't slam it in his face.

"Talk about your little slut? I would rather not" Marissa grimaced, as Ryan didn't say anything.

"If you want the truth, I think that we should talk, before we even think of divorce papers, we might be able to save this--" Ryan said tiredly, Marissa didn't move any muscle, or register anything, she just left her spot, and walked into living room, staring straight in front of her. Ryan took the fact she had even agreed to talk as a good sign, and followed her quickly to Seth and Summer's living room. He nodded to Summer who was peering down from the top of the stairs, and she took the hint and left them to have their privacy.

Marissa collapsed on the bigger sofa, and pulled a pillow into her stomach, for tewo reasons, for comfort and so that Ryan couldn't see how huge she was now.

"So, um, how have you been?" Ryan asked, shaking his head at his dumb question. Marissa arcehd an eyebrow at him, feeling a tight pain in her chest.

"How do you think?" Marissa replied to him dryly.

"Yeh well, what am I meant to say? Please can you just try Marissa," Marissa shrugged her shoulders, and looked down.

"So what do you want to talk about? Who gets the nice china from our wedding? Or do you want to inform on who's the better lay? Me or her, and how old are her boobs, I would have my money on the fact our daughter is probably older" Marissa said spitefully. Ryan sighed and thought about what to say next.

"Marissa, I really don't to give up on us, look at what we have been through together" Ryan said as tears fell down her cheeks.

"Ryan, don't do this, don't make it seem as if its my fault" Marissa said as her voice broke with tears.

"You really want to end it, you really don't want to be Marissa Atwood anymore, you want to split up your daughters life." Ryan asked her, lost for words. Marissa let silent tears roll down her face.

"Ryan please, don't, don't turn this around, you cheated" Marissa said as sobs racked her body.

"I know, it was a stupid stupid thing to do, and If I could re-write things, I wouldn't of ever cheated Marissa."

"Then why did you? You could of ended it with her, from what I've seen, you two look serious, how is that mean to make me feel? I loved you Ryan, so much it hurts, every thought that goes through my head now is, what did I do wrong?, I know we argued, but I loved you! I would never of done what you did to me, and you, You didn't love me enough to give us a chance, you didn't talk to me about our problems, you solved them with some other woman joined at the fucking hip. You didn't have to find someone else Ryan, we could of worked through everything together" Marissa said feeling weaker and weaker, and finding it hard to breath.

"We still could, we could work through it together, and not have to wreck what we have" Ryan said, moving closer to Marissa. Marissa had never once heard him sound as desperate before.

"No, we cant……I cant be with you after what you've done" Marissa took deep breaths as she felt short of air.

"Then if that's what you really want, you really no longer want to be married to me, and I can't change your mind, here" Ryan put the divorce papers down with a shaky hand and saw Marissa's face pale. She stood up to take them from him, but instead, her eyes rolled back in her head and she saw nothing but darkness, as the room spun, and she fell to the floor with a thud.

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**R/R Hope you like the cliffy ;)**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey everyone! Thanks for the reviews, its really encouraging, I hope everyone had a good xmas, or whichever you celebrate!**

**I tried to make this chapter as real as possible, and all of the facts are researched. **

**Enjoy!**

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It had been 3 and a half hours since Marissa had collapsed. When it happened, Ryan stood there, not sure of what to do, he kind of moved on borrowed time, he didn't think rationally at all, all he could feel was Marissa's cold skin as he bent down to pick her up and carry her to his car, not thinking about calling an ambulance, wanting to help and rescue her himself, everything and everyone else at the back of his mind, like years ago when he found her in Tijuana. This time, he remembered Summer's screams and Darcey crying, she felt exactly the same in his arms, cold, fragile and her head still fell in the same position, all Ryan could think about is how light she felt, and when he glanced down at where her top had risen up, he could see her hip bone, jutting out severely, and he felt ill, wondering this time what Marissa had done to herself, this time was it an accident.

"Do you want another coffee?" Summer asked him, they were still in the waiting room, where they had been since she had been bought in, Ryan shook his head and took another deep breath and try to push all of his thoughts to one side.

"Sum, while your down there, Could you phone Kirsten to check on Darcey" Summer nodded and opened her mouth to speak.

"Why don't you--"

"I want to be here when she wakes up" Summer nodded to him tiredly, knowing when Marissa woke up, regardless of Ryan's determination, she wouldn't want to see him. Summer had been gone about fifteen minutes when a doctor came through, asking to move Ryan into his office, he followed the older man and took a seat at his desk, praying Marissa would be ok.

"How is she?" Ryan asked the man tiredly

"Mr Atwood, I wanted to ask first, about Mrs Atwood's diet over the last few days?" The doctor enquired and Ryan sat there blankly,

"Um, I honestly couldn't tell you, Why would you need to--" Ryan asked confused at his question.

"Mr Atwood , from our results, and plain knowledge, your wife is severely under weight" Ryan felt like he was going to be sick when the doctor relayed that piece of information to him.

"No, that cant be right, that's Marissa's build, she loves her food -"

"Mr Atwood, I understand that this could come as a shock, but we have concerns that your wife is bulimic," Ryan felt like his ears would bleed at the word bulimic. It frightened him that his Marissa, his gorgeous, healthy and beautiful would do that to her body,

"Bulimic?" Ryan asked him in confusion.

"Yes, all of the symptoms are there Mr Atwood, and what you would think was just a little thing as throwing up food, Marissa has already hit her repercussions. Well our inner scan showed up that there is a deteriation of red blood cells, which means, Marissa will struggle when she is trying to fight a simple cold or flu more so than a healthy immune system. Also there seems to be an irregular heart beat and minor organ damage" Ryan felt like he had been hit by a truck, finding out what is wrong with Marissa, when on the outside she looked so put together.

"It is a guess, But I don't think that Marissa has kept food down in a substantial amount of time, and if she carries on as she is, with absolutely no food in her stomach, the damage could be worse and in time could be fatal" Ryan felt his chest tighten, his mind was swimming with reasons of why she would do it, she knew that he loved her the way she was, but when did he tell her last?

"I understand that it is hard to comprehend, but has anything changed recently in Marissa's life, has anybody close to her passed on, is she struggling with any depression." It was obvious that the signs of her downfall reflected on their marriage.

"It is a serious physiological problem also Mr Atwood, and if Marissa is as bad as I think she is, she is going to need help getting over it, her records show she overdosed in 2003" Ryan nodded, not wanting to talk, and only be at her side.

"So Marissa obviously has some psychological instability, has anything happened to provoke her" The doctor said, writing onto his clipboard. Ryan's ears rung, and he immediately spoke up.

"NO! She doesn't, she has been fine since TJ, fine, there were no problems when she was pregnant or when she had our baby, this is a one off. I don't know why she did it--" Ryan said feeling like he was going to cry, he willed himself not to, and thought that he must be strong for Marissa

"If you could just let me speak to her, I could find out what's happening, and then we can talk about the ways to help her, but believe me, she is going to be so stubborn and embarrassed that she's in this place, she wont take your help lightly, no offence sir." The doctor nodded to him, and Ryan rose from his seat.

"She's in the room, down the hall, first before the elevator, and Mr Atwood, she's been on sleeping medication, so she may not be awake, and she will have food tubes in there, to help put food into her system, so things maybe a little daunting when you first go inside. Ryan shook the mans hand, and walked as fast as he could out of the rooms, before he felt the walls close in on him, when he got to Marissa's room, he paused outside the door, trying to prepare himself for what he was going to see when he went in. How she would look, and whether when she woke up, would so go back to wanting a divorce, would she carry on hurting herself.

Once Ryan was inside the room he was hit by his gaunt and skinny wife, with her skin as pale as the pillow she lay on, with her eyes clenched shut as she took slow breaths in her sleep. The machines around her, measuring her heartbeat and food intake were taunting Ryan, a way of saying.

__

All of this, is your failed marriage, your affair, Marissa leaving you, wanting a divorce.

Ryan felt his eyes begin to water, but pushed them back as far as they would go, he couldn't cry, Marissa looked weak enough as it was. He took a seat, next to her chair, and took her hand. Wanting to protect her from everything that she was doing to herself. A while later, he heard Summer knock on the door, and she walked in quietly, and at the sight of her best friend in the hospital bed, she started to cry and a hand flew up to her mouth. She moved slowly into the room, silent tears gracing her face as she sat down next to Ryan. Summer's eyes studied Marissa's body, noticing how thin she was. She asked herself why she hadn't noticed before.

"The doctors say she's bulimic" Ryan said to her quietly, Summer's look of shock was mixed in with fear as Ryan shut his eyes and took a deep breath.

"Its all my fault" Summer stayed quiet, concentrating on Marissa, and trying to not upset anyone.

"She's been drinking again" Summer told him, while he looked at her with anger burning his eyes.

"Summer! How could you let her do that!" Ryan asked her angrily

"I couldn't stop her, I don't have that power over her like you do! You can make her stop and start drinking Ryan, it's a bit harder for the rest of us" Summer said in a hushed voice.

"I…" Ryan faltered thinking about what to say

"Your right, I have pushed her to all of this, and I want nothing more to take her all away from it. It is so hard to see her like this Summer, you don't have a clue what I am going through"

"Ryan stop the self pity act, your not the one suffering in a hospital bed" They stayed in an awkward silence, with the constant beeping of Marissa's machines. When the noticed her beginning to stir, Ryan was first to act.

"Summer could you go and get Marissa's doctor please," Ryan asked her as he stood up and leant over to see if Marissa really was waking up.

"Why should I, I want to be here with her--"

"Summer just go!" Ryan snapped, and Summer walked away before she rage blackout'ed on him. Ryan moved over to take Marissa's hand as she began to move her head from side to side, not wanting to wake up from her deep sleep. Ryan's heart jumped when he saw her beautiful blue eyes open, and for tat second she looked happy, before she realised where she was and why Ryan was holding her hand.

"What are you doing here?" Marissa asked as she pushed herself up on the bed and coughed a little, sending Ryan a glare.

"You…you collapsed, remember, I was over at Summer's" Ryan hoped that she would wake up, from the medicine induced sleep, and want to take him back and he could help her get better. Marissa looked confused at the drip that was in her arm and the machines around her, starting to feel claustrophobic and panicky.

"That doesn't explain why you're here, where's Darcey? Where's Summer?" Marissa asked anxiously, coughing slightly with a dry throat. Ryan handed her a water, but Marissa rejected it, looking away from him in the opposite direction.

"Summer has gone to get your doctor, and Darcey is with Kirsten" Marissa eyes looked blankly against the wall, and Ryan felt at a loss on what to do.

"Why don't you just leave Ryan, go back to what's her whore?" Marissa said stubbornly, trying to suppress some tears.

"How could you do it to yourself Marissa?" Ryan asked her worriedly, her face shot towards him, and she worried he might of found out her secret, worried that he knows what has been happening for some time now. She tried to act nonchalant even though she was panicking.

"Ryan, I have no clue what your talking about, could you please leave me alone" Marissa said to him, paining her to reject him like that.

"Marissa you are making yourself sick! You are ruining your body and its taking its effects, I know now, and whether you love me still or hate me, you are going to get better and I am going to help you," Ryan moved in front of her vision, and took her hands, shaking her slightly to get her to listen to him.

"I am going to help you Marissa, you are going to get better!!" Marissa snatched her hands away from Ryan.

"I don't care what you think your going to do Ryan, because there is nothing wrong with me, I'm fine and I don't need your help! So just go, leave me alone!" Ryan shook his head and turned out to walk out of her room.

"Marissa I knew you were a lot of things, good and bad. But Bulimic? I'm shocked and disgusted that you could do that to yourself. If it's a cry for help, then tis been heard, I am here, but if its not, think about the example your setting for your daughter, drinking all the time, not eating, what will be next drugs?--" Marissa shouted at him, and Ryan knew he had pushed all of her buttons, to make her think about what she was doing to herself.

"SHUT UP RYAN!!!!!!!!!!" Marissa shouted at him once more, before breaking down into sobs on her hospital bed. She watched him leave and she wondered when her life started getting worse, because she knew at that point, it was at an all time low.

**R/R XOXO**


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